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Q

Dear Ms. Bitch,

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years.   We used to love to go junking together in search of 60’s pottery, especially the West German lava stuff.  

OK, so last month I came home to find her and our pottery collection… gone.  Actually, she left me a couple of chipped pieces and a few of our buying mistakes.  Mostly all I have left is the dust rings on the shelves where my cool stuff once sat .

We haven’t talked since her surprise moveout, but I want at least ½ my collection back.    And I don’t want to go Judge Judy on her ass, though I would love to see her squirm.   What do I do now?

-Pottery-less in Park Ridge

A

Dear P-Less,

I will help you stay cool through this overheated kiln dilemma.  Pray do not go medieval on your ex or you can kiss that whole collection good bye.  And hopefully this bitter greedy wench hasn’t smashed the entire collection into pretty shards because you never proposed and year after year you made her wear that pilgrim costume to your family’s Thanksgiving supper. 

As for Judge Judy, I do adore a good Perry Mason episode as much as the next Bitch, but it’s YOUR job to get back your collection.

You need to value what your half is worth in today’s dollars and send her a bouquet of Spring tulips with a card that reads:  “Thanks for sharing your heart and OUR pottery these past 5 years. Please remit $ X dollars or safely return my half immediately to avoid pottery arbitration.”

Here’s hoping your next collection, and romance, will be less fractious.

Appropriately yours,

The Manners Bitch

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