"Just use your nom de plum (alias Alias) and spit it out. We can help you through this."
Dear Ms. Bitch,
I fell in love with Jerry because he smelled good, had no back hair and made big money when he sold off his stamp collection. I met him right after this sale, I should preface, and he couldn’t have been more fun and attentive. I’ve always been a collector of milk glass and enjoyed hitting flea markets and antique shows so I thought we were a match made in heaven. We had such fun, in those early days, treasure hunting.
However, the reason I’m writing you is because for some time, I’ve watched powerlessly as his passion has become an out-of-control obsession. At first it was just mildly annoying and kind of cute. I was charmed by his little boy routine as he started a new collection of mechanical toy banks. But then he branched out to include antique cast iron counting machines as part of this collection and that’s when he became unbearable. While he was more and more hyper focused on finding “spare change”, he began crawling around on the floor of his car, taking out the seats, digging out change in my car, and just becoming a freak in general. He surprised me with a trip last year to Vegas and fool that I was, the whole trip was just a ruse so he could troll for coins on the moldy casino carpet underneath the slot machines. And just when I was convinced he’d get a paper cup and stand at the exit to the highway, he’s started a collection of antique money clips. He still looks for coins but now he’s also looking for bills and every single clip has to have a complete set with a $1, $5, $10, $20, and $100 bill. He raids my purse and my pockets looking for bills and change. He assembles the money in perfect order. Then he arranges the money clips on top of his dresser in perfect rows but no one is allowed to touch them. Oh Manners Bitch – I never thought I’d say this but I ABSOLUTELY HATE MONEY NOW!!! What am I supposed to do?
BUCK STOPS NEVER
Stop. Just stop feeling sorry for yourself, or fall back in love with the Vintage charm of the man who’s torturing you. So what, you shacked up with an OCD – after he was done with electrolysis and completed his back-hair removal treatments, he associated the costs of these heinous pluckings with shame, guilt, and naughty fantasies - ultimately the money was something he needed to recoup or risk falling into a degenerate state. Bless his heart, you should be relieved he didn’t slice you into little pieces in the shower! As countless other Vintage warriors have, Jerry climbed into his collecting comfort zone. His collecting habit ran amok. But you knew the trip to Vegas wasn’t about drinking champagne and threesomes in a hot tub. You went for the bucks, day one, you wanted to spend the proceeds from his stamp collection at the Caesar’s Palace craps table. Honey, get our your abacus, bend over and take it like the money grubbing wench you are. And learn to love that hairless beast, at least he’s not cheating on you like all the others did.
The Manners Bitch
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