In a startling find that has confounded both the brilliant and the ignorant, an English Crop Circle has heads… and balls… turning.
While scientists debate the relevance of this recent corny conflagration, others less educated are flocking to their local 7-Elevens & Quickie Marts to play the numbers designated by the descending balls.
For the first time in the history of crop circle research a double prediction has been made on a most perplexing level. Located in an obscure part of the English countryside called “Abbey Normal-on-the-Spanx”, the circle simultaneously details the DNA sequencing of Rupert Murdoch’s left testicle AND next week’s winning lotto numbers.
“It’s an incredible discovery!” says British physicist Sir Lord Buckingham of Fulton-Charlie Sheen. “I’ve seen DNA strands before. I’ve also pulled down a few numbers off the National Lottery… but never before have I seen the two combined. It’s either the foretelling of the coming Apocalypse… or a great opportunity to make a buck. Personally I’m betting on the latter but preparing for neither. After all, I’m a scientist, damn it!”
But American experts see it differently-- Mostly because they go to the eye doctor as often as they go to the dentist, a fact that decays British relations and their affixed teeth.
Professor G. Whizzer-Guilt of the University of Phoenix recently cited: “I can categorically state that the newly discovered English Crop Circles are as authentic as my degree from the University of Phoenix. In fact, not only is my online degree as legitimate, I can also download my diploma and print copies of it at home. I doubt the English can beat this level of integrity… even while wearing large snow shoes and a tracking device in a corn field of hoax!”
To date, no one has come forward to deny that the DNA sequencing is anything other than Rupert Murdoch’s naughty (and tiny) bits. Concurrently, multiple wives have come forward to identify the withered sequence, usually while wearing gloves or poking at it with a rolled up pre-nup.
Murdoch's first wife, Lady McMuffin McMurdoch (of the M.C. Hamburglousters-On-Toast) testified in an unrelated sperm/egg paternity suit that the strand was, in fact, the shriveled strand of her late husband. (Editor’s Note: Rupert Murdoch IS NOT dead yet, but in the interest of internet accuracy, this article… and his first wife… are planning ahead.)
Back across the murky pond the controversy continues. As 43 of the 50 American states have a lottery, it is debatable in which State these numbered balls will drop. This confounds true believers and those living with aluminum siding or wheels under their living rooms.
Said a local yokel from a decidedly red state: “Do I believe in aliens? Yup! And that’s why we need a wall keeping the Canadians out!”
That attitude appears to be growing. A recent USA/CNN/DNA/NRA poll of lottery players echoes the sentiment. While only 2% of those surveyed believed in extra-terrestrials, 15% believed in the existence of extra testicles… while a shocking 85% believed these crop circles to be predicting winning lotto numbers.
Even more disturbing is that this adds up to 102%... which defies the odds of logic and the use of a simple calculator. Like the upcoming Presidental election, there is a 5% margin for air… mostly coming out of unregulated PACS.
But the questions remain: Are beings from another planet messing with the very structure of human DNA?
Or did Murdoch’s media empire phone-hack into the cosmos and piss off an intelligence far great than M.I.6? (British CIA, for those without internet)
Are aliens accurately predicting winning lotto numbers to bring down the world economy on a scale not seen since the George W. Bush years? Or is this just good luck gone bad?
The answers to these and other questions can be found in my new book:
ANSWERS TO THESE & OTHER QUESTIONS… Published by You’re So Vanity Press.
By Danny Alias. Copyright WDMS 2012.