Welcome. If you don't know your Zodiac Sun Sign, this is what we've got have in stock:
AQUARIANS are like Dogs. Loyal to a fault, true to their mistress or master and usually paper trained-- though not on the RedEye for obvious reasons. Other than occasionally humping your sofa (or best friend), they make the perfect companions. However their dislike of leashes-- even really long ones-- belie their true nature/nurture. They can be stubborn (just one more sniff, please!) and work both sides of a fence that they themselves built. Aquarians are an enigma wrapped inside bacon wrapped inside a puzzlement, then add more bacon. (Recipes!)
PISCEANS. Two words: Fish Fry. You’re so fluid in your life, gliding about while everyone else gets caught in the net, yet why are you so vulnerable once you hit the frying pan? You’ve got empathy down to a science; now if you’d only take the time to test the waters in your own empathic pool. Water, water everywhere… and not a bottle to resell.
ARIES people climb mountaintops, explore lost Aztec cities and are not afraid to cut in line at Costco. Hence: Ballsy. Their confidence is addictive, their patience—Um, often non-existent. Selfish to a fault, just not their own. Channel all that wit into the less foolhardy aspects of your life and you’ll find yourself a much better fool than the rest of us. Or at least better traveled.
TAURUS. Not to be confused with the automobile though just as reliable. On a cold winter morning a Taurus will turn over… shut off the alarm… and go back to sleep. However, a more loving vehicle in your life you will not find. Yes, they make THE BEST stalkers, but it’s always done out of love and self-indulgence, the two ingredients needed to make a most excellent Jealousy Jello. (Look, we even give you dessert ideas!)
GEMINI. Dorothy Parker should have been a Gemini. (She was a VIRGO-- Interesting!) Gemini is the intelligentsia of any crowd, especially those of their own making. They are wordsmiths even when they don’t have the words; excitedly spouting something worth writing down, though often not owning a pen and unwilling to steal someone else’s. Superficiality is their science because they are so damn serious about it. If curiosity killed the cat, that cat was a Gemini. 8 more lives to go.
CANCER could give you crabs but only if they’re picking up the check. This SunSign is truly “All U Can Eat” at Café Bulimia. I love you; I apologize for loving you; I love you. "Did I mention I have reservations about this relationship… and the restaurant we’re dining at this evening?" A Cancer always ends on a high note-- though often not to the song you thought you had downloaded. Be aware of their sensitive nature as they are just as willing to kiss and make up… as slug you and make up. At least they’re consistently inconsistent.
LEO tends to get a bad rap. Always in need of a better Press Agent, he somehow manages to boss away the best of them. Perhaps for once you should be your own Press Agent. You know the client well: Creative, multi-talented-- But if you thought Hitler was stubborn— you get my point… and I get cut-off in line at Costco (Damn, Aries!) As your own Press Agent, try not to muck everything up for your best client & your inner customer. Life is about selling oneself when no one is buying. And you have one tough product to move.
VIRGOS because they can— Everyone else DOESN’T GO because they knew you were coming. Or at least so you worry and think. Come out of your shell. You may be a pearl or just another over critical clam, but this quest for perfection is becoming a pain in the Virgin department. Stop telling everyone you never go to “second base” when you’ve seen more ball play than Larry Craig at the World’s Largest Restroom, “IOWA 80 TRICKSTOP ‘er TRUCKSTOP in Walcut, IA.
LIBRAS came into their own in the Romantic Era (1780-1898) of Aristocracy: Of kings and carriages and concubines. For now you may have to settle for NetFlix. Romance isn’t dead, it’s in-box is just overflowing with prospects from JDate and the diabetic rant of DailyCandy. But I digress: People call you foolish like it’s a bad thing. All that Beanie Baby clothing? Yea, bad thing. But if GULLIBLE were a soft drink you’d drink the Kool-Aid and still remained personally unquenched. Start with the startling fact that EVERYONE LIKES YOU ANYWAY and your days will be filled with the dream of your own life, as truthfully unfunny as that may sound.
SCORPIO is Judy Garland in “A Star is Born." Or for those from the 21st century, Lady Gaga’s Self Motivating Microchip inserted behind your ear. You have drive-- or at least a driver… and a well-appointed town car. You know how to travel through life seemingly above it all. Now do Stars fall from the Heavens? No, they fall off the balcony at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont Hotel. Put another way: When they needed the “FACE” of Obsessive/Cumpulsive (always knowing they were coming for you) they need not look farther than Facebook. Which is why God invented Blocking.
SAGITTARIUS. When the voices speak to me, I must respond. This Archer would find comfort in the arms of the Tea Party movement even though you’re more a coffee drinker. Re-examine your morning blend of caffeine and fringe politics-- Jim Jones may have once appealed to you, but you didn’t run out and buy his failed Country Western Counter-Tenor LP. My point: Do not be swayed by people who sway for a living. Take that restless soul of yours and follow the flight of your own arrow, a straight shot into the future of your own life and what you believe it to be. Why would you ever have listened to anyone other than you? That’s just silly.
CAPRICORN. When the Sun rose on you, dear Capricorn-Palace, it radiated some of humanity’s finest traits. Driven and diligent, your nose to the grindstone (ouch!) a work ethic will take you far and beyond. However, I could say you are your own worst enemy, but then that guy has been hiding in your shadows for years—and wearing all your clean shirts. Talk about patient. Your negative side could wait out the Bubonic Plague for a bowl of cold rat soup. You could be a father to the world or just a rat bastard. Strangely you have the talent to be both, often simultaneously.
LOVE, MR. SNARKY
(Disclaimer: This Sears Seer sees nothing sinister in simply stating the situations as he sees them. And did I mention my sight and spelling are going out on a double vision date?
Now you can question a man's eyewear, but you cannot question his vision. However, I know you can question my attorney. As I'd rather not have that happen:
You accept the above Sun Signs, Horoscopes & Grocery Lists as a recreation of a fabrication told only once as a truth, then misplaced amongst the linens.
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Danny Alias. Copyright WDMS 2011